Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Prayer and thoughts, PLEASE!

Warning....this may be long! I would like to explain my situation first. As I stated earlier in some post I work at a Christian school. I'm planning to resign but want to make sure. I felt confident in that decision but then a shift happened and I'm just not sure.

I was a homemaker and homeschool mom for 13 years and my husband became a Pastor in the last 3 of that. Now we also were assistants for 7 years at a different church. So we have been very active in ministry for 16 years. When we moved for his Pastorate it was different my husband made 3 times what he does now, we lived in a metro area, and life was much different as far as types of churches. We are now in a extremely small town, rural, and different culture. When we moved here I was a homemaker and homeschool mamma but the demands of helping my husband with the church was really overwhelming and my kids were not getting proper education. It seemed like everyday there were interruptions no matter how much I drew boundaries they were always crossed! Always!

Last year my husband felt our oldest who was entering high school needed more and so he wanted him to attend a small conservative Christian school. It has wonderful for him and is preparing him in so many ways for bible college. In the midst of that the school lost their Kindergarten teacher and they offered me a position and we prayed and felt that I should take the opportunity. I would get one child's tuition free and then compensated to pay for the rest of the kids. My daughter who has struggled severely with dyslexia went through a special program this year and jumped a whole grade and has learned ways to fight her dyslexia. The school has been a great experience educationally for all my children. Even spiritually due to the biblical teachings, and curriculum that is bible based.

Now while it has been good for the kids it has not for me. I have a immune issue and health issues and it has been horrible. I have been very stressed working 45 hours a week with travel time, coming home and keeping home, doing bills, and spending time with kids and husband, trying to find time to pray and study the word, and I can't barely keep up with my church duties and other ministry things that I have a burden for. It's has been horrible. My husband ends up cooking a lot, doing laundry, and helping with so much more due to me being so exhausted. He works a part time job, and full time pastors, and then is coming home doing my responsibilities. Yes, I believe that keeping home is. Even though we are okay with team work it is hard on him because I am usually sleeping a hour after work just to be able to do supper and laundry. It's just horrible. I don't have time to care for my body and fix the foods I need because I already get up at 4:45 in the am and I'm not home until 4:00 in the afternoon.

Spiritually I'm struggling because I was use to spending hours in prayer, walking in prayer, and studying when I was a homemaker and now I'm just so tired it's so hard. My blood pressure is in danger and a couple weeks ago I was hit with a bad case of pleurisy and bronchitis and was almost hospitalized. My body just shut down. Now, this week I can barely walk.

I feel torn to quit because even though all of that I loooove what I do. I love teaching. I also have never ever been away from my children and I am a huge homeschool and biblical education advocate so it's hard for me to think they will stay at the school and I will not be with them. My husband wants them to stay. He supports whatever I choose to do. He is torn as well because he wants me to come home because he feels that is right but the money and cost of school makes him nervous. We can afford to send them to the school but it will be so very tight!

I have prayed and I just can't get a clear direction. I don't want to be away from my kids but I am so tired when we get home I don't invest in them and I don't see them but a couple minutes at the school. Part feels if I stayed home and focused on my health that when they came home I would be better attentive to them.

Ladies I'm torn! I believe wholeheartedly in Titus 2 and I just feel confused and torn. I am not helping my husband and honestly I'm so tired that I'm snippy and put a lot on him! I'm not investing in my kids heart like should, I'm neglecting the ministry part of church, most important I have neglected my time with the Lord.

9 comments:

  1. Chrissy, your body is already giving you an answer...it is worn out! Can you work part time and job share? We put our children through Christian schooling on a pension. I worked at the school part time and also did craft work which I sold at parties my friends would put on for me to sell it in their homes. I will certainly be praying for you. Big hugs.

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    1. Thanks Nanna. I believe my body is. That is a good idea about crafts!

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  2. If it is causing you to neglect God, your family and your role of keeping the home - then, I think you know your answer!

    I don't think you should worry at all about the financial aspect, that is your husband's duty to provide.

    If you were 80 years old right now - would you regret not working? Or would you regret the time you didn't spend with your kids and the time you did was when you were worn-out. Will you look back on your life and think, "I wish I would have worked more?" I've received comments, stories and emails from women whose children have grown and gone and they live in constant regret of the neglect of what was truly important. My mom worked and regrets it all now. I remember wanting my mom so badly growing up but she would come home from work grouchy and tired and just wanted to be alone. It pushed me to find someone that would give me attention and drove me to things to fill that void. The money wasn't worth it - she and I both agree on that!! We both don't remember what she spent the money she made on but we both remember the time we didn't have together.

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    1. Thank you for your encouragement and questions to ask myself. I think my biggest thing is not being with my kids but in all honesty I'm really not even there because I only see them in passing and then when I come home I'm tired and grouchy and weekends are spent catching up! You right I know the answer.

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    2. Oh and to be honest when I read 80 years old I hate to say it but the way my health is I'm scared I want see that or even 60! I really have to make some changes. That is scary! Thanks for eye opener!

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  3. Dear Chrissy,
    I think you are doing so much and expect so much of yourself. Also I think whatever you try and work out your body has decided for you anyway, this is too much for you and with being so sick etc the decision is made... You can't go on the same.
    Soooo it becomes what to do instead. What changes you need to make. I agree with Nanna Chel... Can you work part time? Or ca you assist someway part time that the children can still go to the school or bring in a little extra if you need to another way. OR will being at home full time mean maybe you save money ie I save money by having the time to shop better, cook more and make more things... Overall I can save a lot more than I can earn outside the home, much of the time.
    I see your children are doing very well at this school. Talk to them and the school and see what you can come up with. If your health is failing maybe they will craft a part time position for you. But something has to change.
    I will pray that a wonderful solution that fits your whole family comes up. And that you feel relieved and regain your peace and health.
    With love,
    Annabel.xxx

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    1. I agree with you as well. My body has told me. I actually believe that I would save more money staying home. I know I would. Because as a teacher I spend a lot of money on class things. I also tend to lean more toward convience items that are more pricey for time purposes. So, if I came back home I know I would go back to my ways of planning, prepping, and organized living which would save more. Thanks for your prayers.

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  4. Aww Chrissy I can feel your emotions in this post. Change can be really scary especially when it causes you to be anxious over financial things. As much as you may like teaching and all those littles you care for I know that your family is your top priority. I can imagine that if you stay home there will be many stresses relieved. Hubby will have less home resposibilities, you will have time for rest and to properly care for your family.It seems that the financial issues always work themselves out. Trust me I know! I tend to worry too much over money and in the end all of our needs are meet. (even private school for Megan.) As far as missing the kids it sounds like your time with them now is limited. Maybe you could volunteer in the classroom or lunchroom a few times a week so you could still be part of their day. Praying that you find peace in your decision.

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    1. Thank you Wendi. You are so right...financial issues always work out. I believe I know what to do. Thanks for your prayers. Love you.

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