Sunday, August 7, 2016

Depression, Anxiety & Panic Part 1

This will be a post totally different than most of mine. I have contemplated not sharing this but I feel the need to do so. I never know when I need to look back and read this post or if someone needs to know they are not alone.

I am a wife, mama to 3, homeschool mama, ministers wife, Jesus and Bible lover, and well I will not be ashamed to say I am a radical worshipper for the Lord. For the most part just an average woman.  For years though since my oldest (he is 16) I have struggled with depression.

I have quoted scripture, prayed, fasted, changed diets, exercised, and went to Christian counselling. I have worshipped, praised, and sang loud on my darkest days. I have even danced before the Lord. I have shared my testimony with several women in bible studies, and spoke at St. Louis Community College in St. Louis, MO about this very topic. I have spoken to women's groups, mom's groups, and I can go on and on. I even participated in a cardboard testimony sharing my painful story about trying to commit suicide years ago.

I am amazed (well...not really) at how many women will come to me and tell me how I ministered to them and they had experienced what I have and glad they are not alone.  It is not my most proud testimony I can tell you. But I am aware it helps others feel they can make it if I can.

I would rather tell you how wonderful my life has been (and it has at times) or how many awesome blessings the Lord has showered on me (He sure has) and I would rather tell you how my life is great, and you can do this and that to make it that way, and all is WELL ALL the time.

But I CANNOT! I am so sorry. I use to be upset with the Lord. Yes...I just wrote that...but I didn't understand how He could part the RED SEA and wouldn't heal me.  I would beg, plead, cry, shout, and....you get the picture...why oh Lord...will you not heal me.

But over time I learned that my greatest thorn in my flesh was and is to be used to help others and most important grow in the Lord. You see I once prayed a prayer...USE ME, LORD. Refine ME Lord. Let me work for your Kingdom Lord.

I am not saying that praying made me have depression and that the only way a person can be used is through deep pain or storms. But I will say that we live in a very dark and hurting world and sometimes certain things we go through allow us to cling to the Lord like never before, and to help others as well.

You see each of us has a thorn, a cross, or a refining process. These things allow us to be ever dependent on the Lord. They allow us to become a vessel to be used to help others in such a dark place. I honestly couldn't imagine going through all I have with depression, anxiety, and panic attacks without Christ. I couldn't imagine not having the comfort of praying, His Word to meditate on, or other Christians that has experienced this before me and cheered me on.

Until Part 2......

Love,
Chrissy

7 comments:

  1. Oh my friend! I had a dark time in my life during my 20's. I won't go into the deep, dark details. I got past it and would sometimes still question God as to why I had to endure this pain. Fast foward to two years ago when my 13 year old niece went through something similar. The poor thing was lost, broken and oh so cold. I picked her up one day and said we are going to stop at this park for a minute and I told her my story. The more I told her the more the tears flowed down her face. As I sobbed and my niece sobbed I knew that God had me endure that pain for that moment. There are moments when something triggers memories of those dark days. As I told my niece those moments will cause the dark pit to call and you have to fight it. Today I am good and have been for quite a while. I know that this won't be easy for you to share with the world. I will be praying that your story is used for His good!

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  2. Dear Chrissy,

    Thank you for sharing. I have also struggled with depression since my first child, so around 17 years. It comes and goes. For the most part I try and stay positive but at times it is exhausting. Sending love to you xx

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  3. Chrissy, the Lord is with you even now. He has never left you and never will. He hears every prayer, every shout, and He has seen every tear. Chrissy, He understands you, when you don't understand yourself. He loves you more then anyone. He was with you then and He is with you now.....I will be praying as you share your story it will reach out to someone hurting. Blessings to you.

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  4. Chrissy, your story will be an inspiration to many women as your story is very common. Good on you for sharing it and I hope it encourages others to know that they are not alone.

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  5. Dear Chrissy, may your heart experience a sense of peace as you share you story and touch many other women. Prayers for you. I will be reading along...as I too, carry the cross of Anxiety brought on by OCD. Hugs : )

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  6. I'm right there with you, Chrissy! I've dealt with the same struggles with depression and anxiety disorder.

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  7. I can relate to you on so many levels. I have always believed that our greatest area of struggle becomes our biggest area of ministry. ((((HUGS))))

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